Shut up, Picard
by come burn with me
Summary: After a small stalking session, a challenge, and a fight, Picard tries to step in. Unfortunately, things don't turn out well for him. Picard bashing.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek: The Next Generation**

**A/N: WARNING: Major Picard bashing (literally) I like him, but. Anyway, here you are…**

Wesley Crusher ducked behind a door as Councillor Deanna Troi glanced over her shoulder. She frowned, continuing down the hall of the Enterprise. Troi stepped into Ten-forward, and sat down next to Worf.

Wesley watched the pair for a while before slinking back to his corridors-no, wait! He was entering the Captain's ready room, not his!

"It must be here somewhere!" Hissed Wes, rifling through the Captain's old books.

"Aha!" Grasping an armful books, including 'A guide to Klingon Fighting' and 'Handling a Batleth' as well as 'Medieval Challenging', he made his way to his room. He settled down on his bed to read, it would be a long night…

The next morning, Worf was standing on the Bridge. All of the sudden, Wesley charged in! "I, Wesley Robert Crusher, challenge you, Lieutenant Worf, to a duel for the right to the Lady Troi's heart!"

"I accept," Said Worf, figuring that Wesley would surrender right away.

They made their way to the holodeck to fight. It was then that Worf noticed that Wesley was carrying a Klingon Batleth.

"Let the fight begin!" Wesley charged forward, slamming his Batleth into Worfs. Worf jumped back and brought his down on Wesley's blade, knocking it to the floor. Wesley snatched it up, and shoved it at Worf. It was then that Worf felt the first glimmer of fear. He was about to kill himself for feeling fear, but then Wesley did it first.

Worf body hit the floor with a thud that echoed through the whole holodeck. Wesley grabbed his head and ran out, holding Worfs head in one hand, and the Batleth in the other.

"Lady Troi! I have killed the Lieutenant Worf in order to win your heart!"

Troi gasped, staring at the head before turning to Wesley. "Wesley Crusher! That was a terrible thing to do, kill your friend!" Her expression changed abruptly. "But…you did it for me…"

Wesley's eyes widened.

"You bitch! You've corrupted my son!" Beverly Crusher flung herself at Troi, slapping and kicking.

The pair tumbled on the floor, beating the heck out of each other. They probably would have killed each other, but at that moment, Jean-Luc Picard ran in. "Beverly! Deanna! What is the meaning of this? Stop this instant!"

"Hey, who are you to tell us what to do?" demanded Beverly.

"Yeah!" agreed Deanna.

"Your Captain, that's who!" answered Picard snootily.

"Don`t pull that card, you can`t order us around anymore!"

"You have to do what I say!"

"We don`t have to do anything!"

"YES YOU DO!" with that, Picard poked Beverly. It was just a little finger-jab, but Wesley, Beverly, Deanna, Geordie, O`Brien, Data and even Riker all attacked him.

Picard tried to shout, but Wesley stopped him with… "Shut up, Picard!"

Geordie screamed, "So you finally promote me to Chief Engineer, and you don`t even let me fix things!"

Data said, "That is what you get, Captain for not letting me do anything except putting me in danger! And telling me to shut up!"

"You always give such annoying orders when I transport you!"

"You kiss me then have intimately romantic moments with the archaeologist, Guinan, and that three-hundred year old!"

"You never listen to my advice!"

"Hey, you tell me to stay off your bridge," Wesley taunted him, stepping onto the bridge and beginning to order the ship to change course," Well, now I`m on it!"

While they yelled at him, they were beating him up, kicking and punching, and throwing a neon green vase shaped like a light saber (?) at him. Picard crumpled on the floor, screaming and trying to crawl away.

As everyone backed off, tired, Riker stepped forward. He kicked Picard in the butt, one, twice, thrice. "Who`s Number One now Picard, huh? Who`s Number One now?!"

From the Bridge, came a shout from Wesley. "I rigged all the replicators to spew out 'earl grey; hot' until the ships full! Let's get out of here!"

They left, leaving Picard unable to move on a ship rapidly filling with hot earl grey.

At that moment, who should come through the transporter but…Loxana Troi! She rushed over to Picard. "Oh, lovey, do not fear! I shall save you!"

"Oh god, no!" moaned Picard, who would rather die than go off with Loxana.

"Nooo! The transporter is broken by Wesley! We`re doomed, at least we`ll die in our loved ones arms!"

He struggled to get away, but Loxana held him tight. Jean-Luc Picard gurgled as his mouth filled with hot earl grey. "Hey! This is good!" He drank until he passed out, and drowned in earl grey hot!


End file.
